Nine-A

Nine years have come and gone. Oh, my. I can honestly say I did not see myself this far out following the accident. My sisters said, “9 years … At that time, it was hard to see … the next hour … the next day … the next week … And to see further was very hazy.” I learned throughout my time of two weeks in intensive care, transition to a step-down ICU, 2 months of in-hospital rehab, and finally, 4 months of outpatient rehab that my life expectancy with a spinal cord injury (SCI) had shortened. No one had a specific conversation about that, but rather it came out ‘between the lines.’ I never pushed that information nor did I do any research on it. That’s not like me.

In one of my prior lives, I was in a school district that prioritized professional development and a curriculum that was research and data-driven. As a result, we had a unique, expert, creative, well-recognized team leading district curriculum and staff development. We had experts in reading-language arts, mathematics, science, social studies, gifted, technology, cooperative learning, and effective instruction. Very unusual for a district our size. Our assignments were a combination of full and part-time, but we all shared an office suite in which lots of collaboration occurred. We had a new Superintendent hired with that in place who said his best way of leading was to step back and let us proceed. He supported professional growth for everyone in his leadership team (these curriculum people plus principals and district office staff). One memorable training he brought for us, but we soon realized the power and brought it to the all-staff level, was True Colors. It was based on the Myers-Briggs personality inventories but was simplified and very effective and memorable. Four colors summarized the full spectrum of personalities.

• Blue: feelings, interpersonal strengths, self-awareness, team builders, sensitivity to needs and strengths or others. Learned well with others and in groups where they also were strong participators and facilitators.
• Green: big picture thinking, understanding how ideas interrelate, thriving on learning, wanting to research and learn everything possible on a topic, never finished learning because one interest leads to another, asking questions so -and until- they fully understand.
• Gold: organized, sees what needs to be done and makes a plan to do so, loves checklists, always gets the tasks completed and on time-often early, makes a great secretary.
• Orange: fun-loving and seeing the humor in a situation. Enjoy a good party and are the ones to plan them. Bring joy to the situation.

Everyone has some of each color; it is all about the degrees of each. Key learning: a good group has people with all different strengths and the most effective groups/committees/classrooms have a balance of all.

I’m a green – and weighted a strong green. The fact that I didn’t research the impact of SCI on life expectancy was not part of my character. I guess avoidance was stronger than my root personality characteristics.

Finally, after 9 years, I decided a quick review was in order. Projections varied widely. The initial numbers I saw were wretched. The first year or two are crucial for medical care; physical, occupational, and speech therapy; support systems; and attitude. The wisest piece said it depended on the level of the injury on the spine and the age at which the injury occurred – along with whether the SCI was complete. Well, that is logical and reasonable. However, I still wanted numbers. It followed that without strong support in the above list, too many didn’t live the first year. References to mental health, including suicide, were sobering. The best piece I saw that quantified things a little was to say 80%. Those with a spinal cord injury would likely live about 80% of what they would have done without the injury. I could live with that. For years, I said I would live to 100. I quit saying that after my accident. However, 80% of that is an easy calculation. I could live to be 80. Well, that seemed fine. Then, I recalled that I’m already past 70. Oh, my.

I fully admit that I have not done my typical level of research. The above is definitely based on a cursory review of ready research. I guess, honestly, that I don’t really need more on this topic.

There are no promises in life. It comes with no guarantees. It takes more than fingers on both hands to count the number of our friends and family members, who were healthy 9 years ago – including a range of ages, that have tragically passed during those 9 years. I AM ready to go at any time. It is well with my soul. There are days I’d prefer that it come quickly. It’s my family that I want to watch grow and develop and be there FOR them. My blessings of a wonderful husband-partner-caregiver, time, experiences, people, travel, and on-and-on … have been remarkable, and I feel privileged to have them. I am grateful for days that are full and for lists of worthy projects I still want to complete or accomplish.

Watch for your blessings.

• 

Seven

Seven. Such a simple number and often forgotten. It’s not an even number. It’s not easily multiplied. 2s are clean and easy; 5s are easy. 10s are really easy once you can count. But, 7s! Not so much. In fact, I recall being required to memorize multiplication tables in fourth grade. Before we could go out to recess, a good way into the school year, we had to prove we had all the multiplication tables memorized. It was the 7s and 9s that really got me. I had to force myself, through using rhythm and repetition, to learn them cold. It is a prime number, but for me, that means it’s even less user-friendly and, therefore, less memorable. Biblically, it symbolizes completeness – but not for me.

Well, last spring seven years came and went with only one person, an associate from several years and locations back, who mentioned the anniversary to me. Understandably, it was a time of turmoil for my family due to disappointments, illness, death, and moves. That was perfectly fine but certainly a change from earlier years.

March 19, the day a woman, holding her cell phone and talking, hit my car rather than focusing on her driving. It changed my life and that of my family.

At first, I thought I would die soon based on that accident and the spinal cord damage it had caused. Nothing below my center-back now works. Anything that is normally controlled or done by those nerves, muscles, tendons, and even bones, can only be done by what I call work-arounds. Staff, both in the intensive care and next in the rehab hospitals, were wonderful! They first kept me alive and then taught me the work-arounds and coping mechanisms. Even those work-arounds don’t sometimes work. Those and upcropping “health issues” cause angst, concern, and loss of patience. I am fully prepared to die. In fact, there was a time I prayed for that. Assuredly, it would be more glorious and less challenging than life here. I’ve grown past praying for that, after all what would my granddaughter do without me?! But I am more than prepared for it.

A pattern I’ve noticed over my lifetime is that I tend to get involved and take on responsibility repeatedly until I am overcommitted. That begins to take its toll so I finally begin to scale back as those commitments allow. Over the last couple years, that has happened again. I guess it’s a good sign. However, there are three large, important writing projects I have not been able to even touch for more than a year. I have responsibilities and a calling to finish or address those. Those three don’t even count this blog that I’ve committed to write for and about those with Spinal Cord Injuries (SCI). This doesn’t excuse but does explain the lack of entries on my FastHugs blog.

My word for the year is ponder. As I look back over seven plus years, I realize that with time it’s as if the sharp images of the past have begun to blur and soften around the edges enabling other aspects of life to come into clearer focus. I am grateful for this evidence of the same with those I love as well. Maybe this last year and more will allow me to ponder life’s experiences and better prepare me for writing. Time has helped me conclude that I will not die of this SCI but will die with it. Thanks to all those of you who still hold us in prayers.

Watch for your blessings.

Purpose

For 2015 one of my sisters challenged us to each select a word for the year. It was to be one to encourage, challenge, and focus. Mine was easy the first year: Hope. This year a different word came to me: Purpose. I’ve always been a big picture person. If I understood the full situation and especially the reason for something, it made sense and I remembered. I tried to focus on the greater good and purpose for what I did. Easy enough, right? But, then first came retirement and then came the accident.

My purpose and motivation in my career never was “to retire.” I loved working; I loved my job and knew I made a difference. What would I do in retirement? I often said, “I don’t want to retire to be a housewife.” Cleaning and cooking had never been my thing and I wanted to do more than that in retirement. Those tasks would remain shared. Growing up, I would much rather be outside helping than in the house. I much preferred hanging laundry, mowing the lawn, working in the garden, or going to various orchards and farmers to pick fruit and vegetables so we could freeze or can for winter. I even liked topping onions in the muck behind our home. Don’t get me wrong, I love a clean, orderly house and enjoy delicious food. In fact, now when I can dust; clean bathrooms; make the bed (not from scratch); wash, dry, and fold the laundry; or find something I can safely make in the kitchen I feel like I’ve accomplished a LOT! But, I still want and need more.

My mother will soon turn 90. I think I’m asking more questions about her growing up years and stories of her life. When I asked what her typical day was like growing up, I learned that she helped Grandpa outside on the farm and her twin sister helped Grandma in the house. I never realized that! Mom was always amazing in our kitchen. I joke that it was a surprise to me when first married that her cooking and baking skills weren’t inherited. Even during WW2 when both girls, still dressed alike, went to Grand Rapids to work in an office, Mom came home and helped Grandpa on the farm and her sister worked in the house. Now I understand where I get my preferences!

I worked through the what to do in retirement dilemma by identifying some education related projects as well as some ways I believed I could give back while tapping into my experiences and strengths developed through my career. Of course, we also wanted to enjoy more extended sailing, visits with our children, and chip away at that long bucket list of places to which we wanted to travel. In those first months, we were making progress and enjoying ourselves very much.

Accident. Life changed.

If you’ve read my CarePages or this blog, you know that we pray(ed) for miracles. I am an N of one. I still pray for miracles of healing for both of us. We pray that research and modern medicine may develop and fine-tune treatments which hold promise for improvement in bodily functions, bone density, cardio, movement, standing, and walking. I will never cease praying for that miracle.

However, I realized recently that I am already a miracle. Think about all my broken bones, especially in my torso. Yet, I have full use of my arms and hands. Nurses told me that most people with the scull fracture where I had mine do not live. An X-ray technician who was trying to arrange my body to clearly get pictures to show the healing that had occurred to my various bones said, “Do you have any idea how hard you were hit to break your sternum? The sternum is almost unbreakable.” In Mary Free Bed (rehab), based on my chart from Lee Memorial (trauma), I was placed in the brain injury section rather than the spinal cord section. As new medical staff came to meet and help me, I often heard, “Wow, you’re not what I expected after reading your chart. I didn’t expect you to be talking, carrying on a meaningful conversation, or as good as you are.” I have life and have it abundantly. I realize that life as I have it, challenging as it is, is due to miracles. I fully believe the prayers from so many from day one and in an on-going manner are in large part responsible for this miracle of me.

A friend of one of our sons spent some time studying and researching in Ireland. This person recalled being amazed at the number of trees everywhere. At one point, the friend was in the countryside and noted a lone tree. It was huge with its branches and leaves stretched out so beautifully as opposed to those in town which grew together and merged. This person thought, wouldn’t it be wonderful to be like a tree and grow as strong and as fully as this one, simply reach for the light and grow as intended. The tree’s job is to find the sun and move toward it. How beautiful. Trees know their purpose.

The story also reminded me of an opportunity I had decades ago to attend our church denomination’s youth rally with the HS youth group for which Alan and I were leaders. Blind composer, pianist, and singer Ken Medema was an integral part of the worship sessions. For this conference, he wrote a song which we sang regularly and used as our focus.

♪ I saw a tree by the riverside one day as I walked along                                                        Straight as an arrow and pointing to the sky and growing tall and strong.                        “How do you grow so straight and tall?” I said to my riverside tree.                                        This is the song that my tree friend sang to me.

I’ve got roots growing down to the water,                                                                                          I’ve got leaves growing up to the sunshine,                                                                                    And, the fruit I bear is a sign of the life in me.                                                                                       I am shade from the hot summer sundown,                                                                                            I am nest for the birds of the heaven,                                                                                                  I’m becoming what the maker of trees has meant me to be: A strong young tree.

So, what is my purpose? In all honesty, there are days when just getting through the day is purpose enough. But, I can’t believe God allowed me to live as I am just to get through the days. I ask prayerfully that my words to be acceptable and to live more Christ like. I continue to enjoy and impact our children, Alan, extended family, and friends. Is there something beyond what I’m doing? Is there more I should write? More I should do? Or, less? Be more aware of? Be more sensitive to? Additional advocacy? Promote my spelling program? Become more engaged in leadership or education? What?

From: I, The Lord, of Sea and Sky ♬                                                                                                 (Chorus) Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart. (Dan Schutte)

Watch for your purpose and enjoy your blessings. Shalom, Collene