See Me

In our church, I am the member of a No Barriers committee. Recently I was asked what message I would want to share with members of the congregation – a communication on behalf of all who see or feel barriers to attending the activities at church. It is from that question that I shared the message See Me. Please note: the basis of this message was originally for a specific audience. However, it is a timeless message as important to every human in every location.

As background, I had a rich life prior to my accident which occurred shortly after I retired. I have been married over 40 years. We have two children-one married-all in professional positions and a grandchild (the world’s cutest, smartest, and most special). We lived and spent extensive time in four different states and traveled nationally and internationally. I was an educator for over 40 years, ultimately retiring as a public school superintendent. My husband was in investments. All in all, my life was as good as that of anyone I know and filled with blessings. Life changed drastically, after an auto accident, on how I live but also on how people interact with me.

My experiences are not much different, I’m sure, from others with a visible disability. Adults, at first, most often glance at me and quickly look away. Rarely will they pause to catch my eye and smile, say hi, or start a conversation – which would be a normal way to react upon meeting a new person. Children, on the other hand, have looked directly at me, often with wonder and a greeting, and sometimes ask me about the wheelchair. I understand that personally I may have been more comfortable interacting with people with disabilities because of my work in schools. But, this reaction from people has been surprising and quite universal. People have also nearly fallen onto my lap when they back directly into me or suddenly cut in front of my pathway. I have my hands on my wheel hand-rims which serve as my brakes at all times to try to mitigate injury to others who may do this. It’s one thing for people to back up in the lobby of a building without looking behind them, but more important when behind the wheel of a car. It’s important to watch for those who are not 5-6’ tall when one is driving. In fact, rolling through a parking lot or crossing a street is one of the most dangerous times for me. Think of the dangers to motorcyclists – but being ½ their size without speed to leave or a helmet, boots, or leather clothing for protection. Not noticing me (or others) is very dangerous.

Our church is large and we have at least five adult members who use wheelchairs exclusively to get around. There are also many using a walker or cane. There are about a half dozen adults with developmental delays, Downs Syndrome, or other learning challenges. The variety of those with physical, obvious challenges is comparable for the children at our church. I am certain that they also feel that sense of fading into the background, not being seen, or being ignored.

My most painful observation has been seeing parents and grandparents, members of our church, in tears because they fear their children aren’t accepted or welcomed – in church?! The church of all places should be ‘blind’ to differences, but this is happening. It is crucial that we find a way to have everyone feel welcomed and included. The church should be a safe haven from the world.

It is certainly hard to know what is in the minds or backgrounds of others that cause or allow them to rudely look right over those of us that are different but the following are some theories. Some may be ignorant of or insensitive to how their behavior impacts others. Some are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say or are fearful that whatever they do say may be the wrong thing. Some may only see the wheelchair, cane, or physical appearance of a person and not the person. Some, sadly, are fearful that they may ‘be next.’ ‘If I don’t think about trauma, it might not happen to me.’ (Ridiculous.)

My advice: no matter the reason, the best thing is to look beyond the barrier and act as if the person is anyone else you might encounter in life. Say the same type of thing:

• Hi, I’m (blank), I don’t think I know you. What is your name?
• What a beautiful color for you in that scarf, shirt, dress, … It looks great.
• Are you in school? What grade? What is your favorite subject or what do you like to do in school?
• Do you work? Oh, what do you do there?
• Do you have plans for this afternoon or this coming week?
• Did you get away for a vacation this summer?
• What do you like to do in your free time?
• [This is the reason I included my background. I-and others-have lives worthy of conversations.]

My dream is for there to be no attitude or physical barriers in this church but frankly also outside of it. No Barriers is so much more than parking spots, bathroom access, getting into a building, wide-enough doorways, or rooms and spaces for moving about. It’s about understanding that someone with turrets syndrome or autism may call out or become agitated. They won’t hurt you and it’s not catching. But, they need to hear The Word, appreciate the music, and enjoy the camaraderie as much as others. All people can and do have some special ways that they serve. If you notice someone who has Downs Syndrome as a greeter, introduce yourself and ask his name. Know that he loves to welcome you. If you forget his name next time you see him, he’s just like anyone else so ask him again and give him your name again. Be sure to show him respect by looking him in the eye.

I believe this desire is true for all who are “out of the norm.” See me. See me for who I am. I’m Collene. I’m a wife, Mom, Grandma, educator, board member, volunteer, author, sailor, reader, traveler, friend, and member of this church (or fill in blank). Oh, and I happen to use a wheelchair to get around because of an accident. But, that’s way down at the bottom of importance. Please, see me first as Collene.

In all things, watch for your blessings. Shalom